This review is a little different than most of them will be, but this movie was so damn awful I decided to spare you the pain and just recap the entire film. So if you have been waiting to rent this at Blockbuster and don't want the predictable ending spoiled I guess this is your warning to not read on. Of course if that is the case, I'm almost ashamed you are here. Don't waste your money, wait a couple weeks, make some coffee and I'm sure at one or two AM it will be on again. And now, ladies and gentlemen I give you....THE RECAP: [P.S. It's really long, just another small warning BUT you get a special treat at the end I.E. picture of cute boy]I’m going to go ahead and admit that I watched this movie on the Sci-Fi channel because there is no way I would waste a netflix rental on this crap. I am also doing this a little differently and I am going to go ahead and recap the entire movie so you my dear friend will not have to waste hours of your life actually watching it. Trust me, you’ll pray someone breaks into your house and eats your brain if you do.
The movie starts with three men walking into some abandoned building, from the way two of them are talking I’ll just go ahead and assume they are shiesty Russians, and the other guy is Peter Coyote. You’d probably recognize him if you saw him. I kind of almost remember him not being a terrible actor, so I assume they paid him extra to be terrible in this film. He is creepily buying toxic sludge from the shiesty Russians. One of the guys, Nicholai disappears to get more barrels from somewhere else. Which is stupid because those barrels are huge, how would he carry it? We now find out that this toxic stuff is a very sexy ultra green. HOT! Now I love Zombie movies. I am a huge fan. But I do not like the zombies that walk around doing much more than grunting and mindlessly attacking us non-zombie folk. That’s why when Nicholai starting moaning that he wanted “brains BRAINS” I almost abandoned this re-cap all together, especially since I have no idea how he turned zombie unless the sludge is the cause. When he bit right through the other Russians skull I did change the channel just for a second, but Law & Order: CI did not have Vincent D’Onofrio on it that episode so…never mind.
Now we are in a car driving with two lovely people who are obviously in love. It’s a rainy night and of course they are going to die. They somehow manage to stay in the car until it lands at the bottom of a ditch and then miraculously their dead bodies are outside. It is so we can see the lightening turn them into skeletons. That is some great special effects. Not. Suddenly a kid wakes up and I’m not sure if we are to believe that was his dream or it is totally unrelated. If it was his dream he seems totally unaffected by it. If I had a dream like that it would freak me right out. He walks around the house and does some boring things. He talks to his little brother and we found out a couple of things, 1. His brother is named Pyro which makes me think that Pilot Inspektor is actually a good name; and 2. His parents are dead. I guess that was them earlier. Then he talks to his uncle, who just happens to be Peter Coyote and he is very creepy. Aww. I’d hate to have my parent’s die; a brother named Pyro and live with Uncle Creepy who only wanted me to mow the lawn all the damn time. Sucks to be you Julian.
Julian leaves for school and waves hello to Becky, who rides her bike into a car. How do you just not see a giant car? Luckily Julian is sweet and gives her a ride to school because they are friends and she is madly in love with him. I would probably wreck my bike too if in high school Chris Pardini had waved hello to me. She tries to talk to two of their other friends but they ignore her because she is the dorky girl they hang out with. Right. Instead they are doing something really lame and only stop when Katie the hot chick they are all friends with walks up. Token Black Guy [TBG] talks about how he was accepted into college and therefore Katie will be able to date him. I don’t see how that makes any sense but whatever. They all tease him that he probably hacked into the schools computers and changed his grades or sumthin. I guess we need to know he’s a computer dork for later. I hope. Otherwise they just wasted 7 minutes of my life for NOTHING.
Cut to Uncle Creepy re-animating an arm with toxic lime green fumes.
Cut to school and Julian getting upset because some teacher said something and it reminded him of his parents. Really he doesn’t look all that upset. I bet he uses that as an excuse all the time. I know I would. “Oh you said spoon. My mom loved spoons and now she’s DEAD, I need to leave class.” Katie comes to talk to him and is terrible at that comforting thing. I hope her career placement test didn’t list grief counselor. Zeke, Katie’s ex boyfriend shows up and accuses Julian of “macking on his girlfriend”. I know I have been out of high school for a while, and I realize I’m not the hippest person around but does anyone actually still use the words macking? Julian would NEVER EVER do anything like that because frankly Zeke he likes you. You can tell. Total homo.
Cut to Uncle Creepy re-animating a punk zombie, complete with mo-hawk and everything.
Cut to Forest Gump and Company riding motorbikes in some parking lot. Becky the nerd has on a leather jacket now which means she really does love Julian and is trying to conform to what he likes. Way to go Becky. I don’t think he likes Unicorns though; you better hide your collection. Julian is a pussy and won’t make a jump, so Zeke must therefore show how gigantic his cock is and make the jump. Or shall we say attempts to make the jump but instead crashes and dies. Now really that is just stupid. Oh wait he is not in fact dead, he just knocked him self out with that amazing seven mile an hour crash. They take him to the hospital and when Julian tries to visit his boy crush they tell him that he has died due to complications with pain medication. Why did he need pain medication when he was unconscious? We will never know because Zeke is not dead. He is as good as dead though because he is being taken to Uncle Creepy’s research lab. Which Katie just happens to have a job at. Luckily TBG is awesome at hacking [thank you earlier scene] and riding motorbikes [he is not unconscious or a pussy], and getting into college the right way. YAY. I don’t know what happens after that because my Totinos frozen pizza was ready and I had to cut some delicious. There is apparently some kind of special project going on at the research facility called Necropolis. With a name like that you just had to know it was doomed.
We see some hobos now talking on some side street or somewhere and they are roasting a dead rat or a cat or a crocodile, really I can’t tell. These hobos that have to fend for themselves and eat gross looking things that make my frozen pizza taste that much better suddenly get a surprise when their food turns zombie and attacks them. What? Ridiculous.
Anyway Godsmack plays and the Company heads to the lab. Zeke wakes up to the soothing sounds of chainsaws [or maybe it’s just more Godsmack] strapped to a board and locked in a cage. They should have had Elvin Dandel [Zeke] play Julian because he is really hot and NOT John Keefe whose name sounds like something unpleasant that happens to your body. He is also a terrible actor.
It seems that Katie is something of a hacker herself as she has managed to get access to cameras she did not have before. Go Katie! Of course she’s going to get her ass in serious trouble if she doesn’t stop yelling “YES!” “I’m AWESOME”. She does all this while the rest of the company kills the hobos. Good job you guys.
Katie leaves the office to go do something in another room that we don’t get to see, and the skeev Hector she works with informs us that yes indeed Katie has a “nice pooper”. Thanks Hector. Suddenly a triple jointed Sagittarius lures Hector away from the room and Katie comes back in to direct the Company to Zeke. Way to use your slutty friends Katie. Back with the Company, Becky starts bitching about the hallway stinking of burnt hotdogs. I guess she is one of those self righteous health nuts who doesn’t like anything meaty smelling. I made hotdogs for dinner last night and I sorta burned them. I don’t think they smelled all that bad really.
Now there is a lot of walking and bad acting and stupid music. I’m cereal it’s terrible. The gun wielding seventeen year old [comforting] uses his last three bullets to almost kill Julian’s little brother Pyro. Whew good thing he’s a lousy shot. Suddenly the Company finds themselves in an Ammo room, now that is lucky. Uncle Creepy creeps up behind them and tells them that they are in “big trouble now”. Somehow I don’t buy it when he says it. He decides to show them around the facility and takes them through their maximum security research area. It houses zombies of course. They find Zeke and he’s all “get me the fuck out of here you guys” so they shoot up his cage and set off some alarms. Way.To.Go.Genius. While Forest Gump was alerting the police one of the other company members stumbled upon a room that houses baby zombie fetuses. Yum! Uncle creepy says “Hey Don’t!” very serious like.
Katie does her best to turn off the alarms, like some part time security girl would have all the codes to a major research facility. Yeah right, uh huh, sure thing. Uncle Creepy tells the Company that they are doing “Cloning” and new zombie making for “world domination, what else?”. They all freak out and tell Julian that Uncle Creepy knows what happened to his parents and it’s definitely not just some car crash. They were zombified and studies were done on them. How sweet. While they think about this U.C. sneaks out and locks the Company in the Zombie Fetus room. They blow their way out as if those doors and locks were made of cardboard instead of thick metal to keep baby zombies and big bad mean crazy brain loving zombies out. They also manage to release the rest of the zombies. You guys suck at this rescue mission Zeke was safer locked in that cage now he’s for sure going to get his ass killed.
Katie is now getting sexually harassed by some other guy that works there. She doesn’t even seem fazed by the really gross things he’s saying about her. Then a zombie eats him, picks up the phone and says “Send more security guards” and burps. I almost turned it off right then. Saying “Brains…BRAINS” is one thing, but having a conversation is just something so different I’m ashamed.
Half the company decides to find Julian’s parents, while Zeke, stupid Becky, and Pyro get the car, or a car since they all arrived on motorbikes. Wait. When did Zeke get bit? When did this happen? NOOOOO. Dammit.
Katie runs to get the Triple Jointed Sagittarius [TJS] and Hector who are just getting redressed after doing it on the couch. I’m pretty sure in a place like that there would be cameras watching all the hallways, just to make sure no one was smuggling out zombie hands to keep in fish tanks as conversation pieces; it’s what I would do anyway. So now TJS and Hector’s sexcapades are on tape. It’s like low class Paris Hilton. Well anyway he and the slut die in eight seconds so it really doesn’t matter if he gets fired.
Meanwhile Operation Rescue Julian’s Parents is underway and while being attacked the lousy shots run out of bullets. So they proceed to kick some major zombie ass with their mad ninja skillz. One of them dies and it’s not Julian or the TBG, neither of them seems too upset that their buddy has been violently killed by the undead, or they are just really good at hiding it because crying is for pussy girls.
My zombie boyfriend Zeke and the other two have found a car but Becky can’t take the safety off her gun or more importantly she has no bullets since you can hear it trying to fire but whatever you say. Becky gets to drive but since the car won’t start she decides to flood the engine and just wave the gun around like an idiot. This movie is stating that letting women drive in emergencies is the stupidest thing you can ever do ever. A zombie has broken through the back window and is trying to pull Pyro through, instead of helping Zeke just sits there and turns the radio on. I think we might be breaking up after that one. Luckily though they happened to pick a car whose owner had the same taste in music he did. It would have been so much better if the radio had started playing polka music. Pyro uses his vest of DOOM to ward off the zombie by shocking him and suddenly the car starts right up. Zeke has officially turned zombie as he tells Becky that he wants to “eat her sweet fucking brains”. Yes well there isn’t much in there so it will be an appetizer.
They crash. Cut to commercial. Apparently the Sci-Fi channel has decided to make a new Hercules series. I don’t care how mini it claims to be there will never be another Hercules like Kevin Sorbo. He just is Hercules in my mind.
I don’t think even George A. Romero could have made this script work, he may make smart zombies but he’d never have them hold conversations. He spits on this movie I’m just sure of it.
zom·bie also zom·bi: One who looks or behaves like an automaton.
The Company is still looking for Julian’s parents and it’s a good thing Uncle Creepy was extremely polite told them exactly what room to look in because otherwise this movie would be even longer than it already is. It’s the never-ending crap story, Jesus. Turns out his parents have been turned into uber-soldiers with lots of leather, weird metal dreadlocks, and guns for hands. Nothing says good mom like machine gun arms. He seems a little upset but tears are still for fucking pussies. They decide to get the hell out before some freak accident wakes mom and dad up or something but the hallways are crawling with zombies. They head for the roof where conveniently there is just enough rope for the two of them to scale down the entire twelve plus stories of the building. At the bottom they run into TJS and Hector the horny security guard who are now Zombies. Julian is having some second thoughts on killing Triple Jointed Sagittarius because frankly he lost his virginity to her. I’m sure half the town has lost their virginity to her; really could it have been that good? Anyway there are no bullets so if Triple Joint ever gets her insane hunger for brains satisfied she’ll be the sluttiest zombie ever!
Uncle Creepy has released Julian’s mom and dad from their glass prison. Then there is a lot of fighting, and I kind of loose track of what’s going on but here is the basic rundown. Becky sorta blows up Julian’s dad. Zeke kills Pyro, which is really fucking mean and if I was Julian I’d totally kill myself. What do you have to live for now dude? Zeke then has a conversation with Julian about how he really is macking on his girlfriend and that is just so wrong. Aren’t you dead? I mean I love you and everything but really lets be serious isn’t the urge to eat sweet human brain a little more important than feeling betrayed? I think death is a great reason to move on to someone else. Julian puts a grenade inside Zeke and he sadly explodes. We find out Zeke was really made of a mixture of felt and possibly wool or cotton.
The S.W.A.T. team arrives just in time to shoot down the rest of the zombies. Whew. Good thing the brave men and women of the state were there. I don’t know what we would have done if they hadn’t been. After five minutes of them shooting and being really damn boring they finally run over Julian’s moms head with their Zombie killing Tank. Julian’s dad is so upset by this he awakens from Becky’s beating and uses his one good arm to let off some rounds. Poor Katie gets hit and dies a really melodramatic death, with lots of blood spitting but no I’m going to die confessions so we do not get to find out if Julian and she were macking with each other. Of course I’m inclined to think yes when Julian embraces his inner pussy and freaks right out screaming and crying and snotting all over her deadness. So he apparently loved her more than his parents and little brother. That is just shameful Julian.
The last thing we see is a news report detailing the zombie escape. It was no big deal guys, no really! All the zombies are dead now, you are so totally safe. Cue cheesy smile and on to sports. Of course what happens? Come on I bet you can guess. Yea the news anchor totally gets jumped on by a zombie and his head is made into a pre-prime-time snack. That was the best part of the movie.
Elvin Dandel aka Zeke. See I told you.
